Dealing with Perfectionism
You might be reading this because you suspect that you have perfectionistic tendencies in your life.
Most individuals with perfectionism will likely struggle with some of the following:
Anxiety
Excessive worries
Self criticism and criticism of others
Avoidance behaviors, such as procrastination
Safety behaviors
You may see yourself having these problems in various areas of your life, including work, relationships, homelife, and health/fitness. At work, you may see yourself having difficulty making decisions or difficulty delegating tasks which eventually impedes your ability to grow.
You may start to have challenges in your relationships as you become overly focused on what others think of you or you end up criticizing others so often that they avoid you. Setting goals and meeting them are often difficult, as your expectations did not take into account the external factors that may not be in your control. At times, you may feel like you have to put on a mask to be someone you’re not so that you are acceptable to others (due to various rules you may have defined for yourself).
Thus, you may start to feel like you are not able to manage life and the self criticism will begin to further increase.
Safety Behaviors
You may start to develop what therapists label as “safety behaviors.” Safety behaviors are behaviors you have deemed as precautionary actions or behaviors to avoid or implement to sustain the rules and expectations. But these behaviors can lead to a lot of anxiety about what is possible and not possible in life.
Oftentimes, these safety behaviors will increase anxiety about life as there are many external factors involved in life that are not within our control.
Safety behaviors can result in rigidity in lifestyles, thinking patterns and behaviors. Life can become difficult and you end up feeling like you are stuck in a rut.
Perfectionistic Mindsets
Perfectionism may have been present in your life as a result of past life experiences and/or trauma leading to certain beliefs or rules in life.
The development of certain beliefs and standards that have not been re-evaluated over time and becomes easily the rules that must be kept in life. At times, you may find that there’s influence coming from your cultural and family backgrounds which place high value on achievement and success.
Cultural Influences
As a culture, Asians may have a general tendency to struggle with perfectionism. This may be due to a result of direct or indirect exposure to high standards or expectations as part of survival. History of suffering from poverty, war and ethnic crimes can contribute to subsequent generations of children with perfectionist mindsets. It may be due to the beliefs formed from the challenges of the past generations.
Immigrant parents (without intention) may instill high values towards academic and professional achievement. This may be part of their efforts to push towards what they feel they have more control over (as they adjust to the unfamiliar main culture). Their children start to internalize and/or even self impose these expectations on themselves. It is not helpful that we also live in a mainstream culture that is competitive.
If these expectations and beliefs are not checked, these expectations can lead to poor self worth and esteem.
Seeking Help
As you seek help with a therapist to address this issue, you may work on uncovering the source of these assumptions and expectations that have “ruled” your life. You may start with building curiosity towards your own behavior without judgment. It will look like you are taking a step back and now looking at yourself but without determining if you are doing something positive or negative. You then examine and redefine how you want to align yourself to your newly defined values and way of life.
In my work with my clients, we also discuss the positive and negative impact of how these perfectionistic tendencies may have on them. They start to develop an action plan to slowly change their way of thinking and behaving with intention. They begin to focus more on what is in their control and what values are driving their decision-making.
This will eventually help to prevent further problems that come with perfectionism.
Karen Lau, LCSW 1/27/23