Why is it so hard to be assertive?
I have many clients who have presented this question to me in sessions. They understand what may be the best practices that the media tells them. They have read and researched various ways that they “should” be assertive. But they end up feeling worse rather than empowered. They find themselves being less confident and feeling more anxious about wanting to be assertive. Here’s what they may have come across in the media:
How to be your own advocate!
The top 10 ways to say no!
Here’s how to ask for what you want!
Build your confidence and speak your mind!
Do not lose yourself, draw strong boundaries!
Develop the art of being assertive!
Oftentimes, these prescriptive suggestions do not take into the consideration the history and contexts for each individual. We are told that we can optimize our success if you can identify the “secrets” behind these successes. However they end up being harmful to many as it can increase more feelings of shame, self doubt and/or inadequacy. It can make one feel more stuck in their struggles.
Our history shapes our values and beliefs whether we recognize them or not. Understanding how your societal, cultural, family, and life history have shaped who you are will start you in the direction of understanding the obstacles to why assertiveness may be difficult for you. We store in our memories and nervous system the ways we need to feel emotionally and physically safe before we can be successful in expressing a new skill. No matter how logical it sounds to your brain (whatever the rational things you tell yourself), your nervous system is intuitive to what is “stored” in you to keep you from harm, danger and/or threats (even emotional ones!). Thus, it is hard to go against your “protective” nervous system and bypass it to force yourself to behave or practice a new skill.
The art and skill of being assertive is unique to you. It’s not a one-size-fits-all approach. And especially for a POC, it is extremely difficult to be told to be assertive if your nervous system is telling you that you don’t feel emotionally safe to stand out. As an immigrant, being assertive may feel boastful and ride against your belief systems. There may be an internal conflict that makes it hard to overcome. Perhaps you desire for harmony with others and expressing your feelings could risk bringing on conflict. You know you want to be seen for the good work you have done, but yet you struggle to have your “voice.” And you start to doubt yourself.
In therapy, you can address what may have been the beliefs and even hurdles to being able to authentically practice being assertive. You will start defining your own practice of assertiveness. We will address the source of the issue before you may see yourself feeling empowered and excited about being you and what it means to you to be assertive.
Karen Lau, LCSW 5/31/2024